Friday, 18 May 2012


Wow, has it really been over a month since I last posted?! I've missed it but haven't had the right space-timewise or headwise- to do it.

Seth has, for the most part, been totally awesome these last weeks. We went riding which he spent the whole time giggling his head off. At trampolining, every time it's his turn he simply cracks up. People around him can't help but laugh and smile. We're thinking of recording it and selling it as a mobile app of good feeling. Or a ringtone, how cool would that be?!

But even more than that, his sitting is improving and he's watching and copying the people around him. At trampolining during the warmup we stood in the circle of children and when they began running on the spot he lifted his legs in turn. You can imagine just how overjoyed I was at this!

For me, I've realised that I'm still carrying around a lot of bitterness. It seems to be growing rather than fading away. Whilst scenes of women giving birth on the television used to make me cringe now I turn the channel over to avoid watching it at all. & I have difficulty hearing about others being pregnant or just having had a baby. Older kids are fine, I hardly every do the comparison thing any more; I think I'm truly comfortable with Seth just as he is. But pregnancy and newborns are a different matter! It's that hope and excitement the parents have, it actually causes me pain. But if I've accepted Seth as he is, then why is that feeling getting worse and not  better? I do think that if we'd been able to have another child then I wouldn't have such resentment (if that's what it is) but again I've pretty much accepted that, too. Or at least I thought I had. Whatever the reason I don't like feeling like this. Although it has given me insight into my Dad.

My brother died when he was 16 (I was 12). He had an undiagnosed heart condition which meant that he just suddenly died. It was in the evening and we were at home. The ambulance was called and my dad, after trying CPR, went alone to the hospital with him where he was pronounced dead. My dad went alone!! I suppose that in the panic and confusion they thought it best that my mum stay at home with me. So we sat and waited for dad to come home with news and he went through hell watching them trying to resuscitate his son. Afterwards whenever there was a hospital scene on the tv they always turned the channel over.